Scars in life

The evidence of my failure was crystal clear. I had flunked Paper 3 final exam. As the implication sank in, I went numb. Failing final paper meant that I had to withdraw from the progamme. With a pang, I took back my endless hours of study and prayers for success. I felt betrayed, I remember the words of the Psalms (37:25)

I am old now, I have lived a long time, but I never seen good people abandoned bt the Lord or their children begging fo food.

..it seemed to mock me. I had done the right thing by not cheating but hadn't I been forsaken. My failure seemed to mark me as someone who was unable to balance her academic,social and spiritual activities. I was angry at God for His effectiveness and lack of concern. I questioned a purpose of prayer... I hang unto God during this terrible moment for one simple reason....I had nowhere to turn since i held on Him. I've been trying so hard during the moment before the final exam, praying day and night for His guidance but still I misfortune.

It was a terrible moment for me, seing the others attending their connvocation while 13 of us left behind for extended semester. Its a real pain (plus more pain) when the other friends call me, telling that they will posted as a Staff Nurse soon...I was thinking why do I left behind for the worst mistake that i ever did in my life?? Will there something better in my future life? I started to questioning God's miracle....

I gave up my spirit, faith and trust...i was lost...

In the midst of my thoughts on how miserable i was, a bright light shone upon me.. I saw one person in my mind...my dearly God the Father.I am still walking in my faith and I am not alone. God has never failed me..and He has promise he never will...

Like a verse in a song 'would the Lord ever leave you? would the Lord forsake His love? you'll will run never tired, for the Lord will be your strength...'

The saying every cloud has a silver lining is used so often there's got to be some truth in it. Its about making a negative situation positive. There is no failure, only feedback.... Ironically, things can happen again but maybe for different reasons.

The Lord is near to those who are discouraged, He saves those who have lost all hope (psalms 34:18)

080808

today is 08.08.08

i juz love this number because :

1) In chinese 8 means rich or wealthy or something good happen

2) a few years back, i plan to get marry at this date. (Eeekkk...) but i think its not the time yet

3) my beloved auntie celebrates her 46th birthday today.

4) the last 2 digits of my mobile number is 8

..but i feel damn lonely today...

--my A.M.O's buddies just call me up to inform that they will be having KD posting soon..means that i'm gonna lost contact with some of them

--my duty roster for next week is quite disappointing me..coz i'm gonna working PM syift for the whole damn week. (thanks for our nursing in-charge!!!!!)

....i should be happy on this days but i feel 90% disappointed n frustrated!!!....

thanx for the life anyway...

Hmm..

I cracked my head when i was creating this blog- to find a beautiful and unique name for the username.

Clare means ILLUSTRIOUS...so i come up with that idea

I love the word...so unique ...

ANGER!!!

For the past few days I've been a short-fused wreck, waiting for the moment to blow. i was easily agitated.Its been a horrible week for me. My heart felt terribly guilty for having those feelings of anger within me...seems people are pissed off me.

i felt angry looking at my own life..why i become the person that i don't want to be..?What is wrong with me and why am I acting like this? I feel the lack of self-control, especially over my anger.

if feels good after the ANGER release yet leaves me much to regret...the numbness in the vessel and nerve just explodes with the release..

i thought it was over but it started again..

She is trying to outshine me

Sounds irritated rather than pleased when you have good news like getting promotion or meeting a fantastic new guy

Talks about herself like she’s her own PR person- full of what she’s been doing and where and why- without even bothering to ask you

Makes a jokey put- down about your passions, opinions and diet

Likes to tell you in detail about social events she’s been to through work or friends of hers you don’t know

Looks up and down from head to toe to check out what you’re wearing

The facts above are describing about a competitive girl that I ever be-friend with.

My close friend (let call her Anne) was a little competitive since we were in high school. She is the one those people who thinks that she is right about everything. Although she can be fun in a social situation, much of the time she makes me feel self-conscious and inferior. She’s always talking like she’s got 100 friends on speed-dial and has such a busy social life because she’s so in demand. Everything she says is to make some point about how popular she is. She’s so opinionated about what’s the best that she manages to make me feel inferior- like telling me the stuff ‘ I never travel to Kuching by Air Asia. I always travel by MAS’

A competitive Anne can often leave me a feeling hopeless and fearful. The more I’m with her the more my self-image plummets and the more at risk I’m buying into the competition because I don’t want to come across like a failure or get left behind. I feel completely invisible in her presence (when hang out with the guys) amd I also feel constantly angry that she is so hell- bent on making every guy on the room fall in love with her. I would dress to try to outdo - trying to steal her thunder. Finally I realized that trying to beat her to meet men wasn’t healthy and didn’t make me feel better about myself.

Well, I don’t want to get sucked in the situation. But if I don’t compete that makes her feel superior because she thinks she’s beating me at everything which is infuriating. If I do compete, I’m at risk of becoming pretty, shallow and pushy as she is, and is that what I really want?

Friends should be nurturing, celebrate your achievement, supportive and makes you feel better about yourself. But if a friends thinks that every life goal that you kicks makes her look less worthy, she is obviously a selfish and very insecure person. Too much competition is not healthy for a friendship in the lng term because it creates resentment and lack of trust.

Sunset is my strength

It is so peaceful at sunset,
They show all dreams to be met
As the sun dips low in the sky
It reminds me of all those times
And with those memories of soaring above,

I find peace when sunset
Where my fears all cease
I find my strength to fly
I find the hope to walk
I find the courage to smile
There..
in that sunset sky.

I think God is looking down
Smiling at what He's created
The touch of His sturdy hand
Nothing seems closer to heaven
Than a beautiful sweet sunset...

Sunset is my strength...

Loneliness killing me!!

I feel lonely
without your love
i feel lonely
without you by my side
i feel lonely my sweetheart
when you`re gone
i feel this solitude
whatever i say


Lonely how deep is this word
how hearts feel it
well my sweetheart
i hope soon very soon
we can stay together
and our solitude
can be joy for life, for love
just for us .........